When a foreigner becomes the chief mourner in Saitama City: Roles to play at a funeral and what you can ask others for help.

Having to serve as the chief mourner immediately after the death of a loved one is a great burden for anyone. For foreigners unfamiliar with Japanese communication and the procedures of Japanese funerals, it can be even more anxiety-inducing, as they may not know where to start or whether they are making any mistakes.

Even when holding a funeral in Saitama City, the chief mourner does not have to handle everything alone. The chief mourner plays a central role in coordinating the wishes of the deceased and their family, but the practical work can be shared with family, relatives, friends, colleagues, the funeral home, etc. First, try separating "what you need to decide yourself" from "what you need help explaining and arranging" to make the process calmer and easier.

What decisions does the chief mourner make, and what responsibilities are they entrusted with?

The chief mourner has the role of being the point of contact for the family as they see off the deceased. However, rather than simply following custom, it is important to arrange a way of saying goodbye that is acceptable to both the deceased and the family. They will communicate their wishes regarding important matters such as whether to have a private family funeral, how to inform attendees, and how to proceed with the cremation.

On the other hand, the chief mourner does not need to memorize all the details of the arrangements or answer the phone alone. Tasks such as contacting prospective attendees, assisting with the reception, guiding mourners, and handling floral tributes can be shared with others if there are people who can help. In situations where it is difficult to accurately understand the information in Japanese, asking a trustworthy Japanese speaker to be present or confirm details is also an important preparation for a smooth funeral.

Three things I want to convey as the chief mourner

• Who would you like to inform about the deceased, and how would you like to say goodbye?
• To what extent can your family attend or respond to communications, and what specific assistance is needed?
• Are there any specific considerations you would like us to take into account regarding language, religion/culture, diet, clothing, etc.?

It's okay if you can't decide everything on the spot. You can avoid making hasty decisions by saying things like, "I'd like to check with my family before I answer," or "I'd like an explanation in simple Japanese." Don't just guess at unfamiliar terms; ask for them to be put in writing, explained in short sentences, or discuss the possibility of assistance from an interpreter or translator.

The best order to organize during the initial consultation

When things happen suddenly and you're overwhelmed with information, it's easy for important details to get mixed up. Having a notepad handy and reviewing the information in order will give you peace of mind. The information you convey to the funeral home doesn't need to be in perfect Japanese. Even using words you understand or a translated note can serve as a clue to conveying your wishes.

1. We will first confirm the location where the deceased is located and the necessary transportation and placement arrangements.
2. As the chief mourner, you will need to decide who will receive notifications and who will consult with family members.
3. We will discuss your preferences regarding cremation and the funeral service, whether you would like a private family funeral, and how you envision the number of attendees.
4. Once the possible dates are presented, we will confirm whether it is necessary to share them with family members overseas or who live far away.
5. Please explain each item in the estimate or application details, clearly indicating what is included and what is not.

Relatives and friends living not only in Saitama City but also in Ageo City and Kawagoe City may be able to help. Even if they live in different areas, the burden can be lightened by dividing roles such as contact person, person in charge of explaining to family, and person in charge of guiding attendees. For those living far away, it is practical to share decisions in short messages and inform them of any changes through the same contact person.

When asking others for help, make their roles specific.

Simply saying "I need help" can leave the other person unsure of what to do. Specifying what you need help with will allow the bereaved family member to focus on making decisions. Respect the circumstances of family and friends, and ask for help only within reasonable limits.

• Japanese language verifierI attend meetings, listen to explanations again, and take notes on important points.
• LiaisonThis involves compiling contact information for relatives, friends, and workplaces, and organizing inquiries for the chief mourner.
• Assistant on the day: This role involves tasks such as reception, guiding attendees, and checking for lost and found items.
• Family advisorWhen opinions differ, I help organize their hopes and avoid rushing to conclusions.

When making a request, it's reassuring to consider how much personal information about the deceased and family matters you're comfortable sharing. You can reduce misunderstandings by informing the person handling the communication in advance what information is acceptable to share with attendees and what information should remain confidential.

Don't hesitate to share cultural and linguistic differences as soon as possible.

In funerals, the format that is considered common in Japan is sometimes proposed. However, it is important to discuss early on any cultural or religious beliefs that the bereaved family cherishes, the language they wish to use, or anything they wish to avoid. Not knowing the format is not disrespectful. It is important to clarify any points you are unsure of and make it a meaningful time for the family.

Seikatsu Funeral Service Center offers support for interpretation and translation, as well as consultations regarding religious and cultural considerations. Since the method of support varies depending on the desired language and content, please clearly communicate your specific needs and confirm the details individually. Telephone consultations are conducted in Japanese, so you may consider having a family member or friend who speaks Japanese accompany you. Email consultations are available in all languages.

The role of the chief mourner is not to perfectly execute unfamiliar rituals. Rather, it is to cherish how you want to say goodbye to the deceased, to seek help when necessary, and to carry on the wishes of the family.

Don't try to handle everything alone; proceed while checking in with each other repeatedly.

As the chief mourner, you will continue to make decisions and make communications even amidst your grief. If you cannot give an answer immediately, it is acceptable to say, "I will get back to you after I check." Regarding details such as the date and time of the cremation and funeral, the scope of the family funeral, and costs, do not proceed assuming you have understood; repeatedly confirm them in language you can understand.

For foreigners considering a funeral in Saitama City, finding even one trustworthy person to help is a great source of support. The responsibility shouldn't rest solely on the chief mourner; divide the roles among family members, those around you, and those you consult. Focusing on your feelings for the deceased and ensuring the family's peace of mind will allow you to move forward step by step, even with unfamiliar procedures and language barriers.