What are the differences between a wake and a funeral/memorial service in Kawagoe City? What are the timings for foreigners to attend?

When people in Japan receive news of a death, many are unsure of when to attend the funeral service or whether the wake and funeral/memorial service are the same thing. This is especially true for foreigners and their families who are encountering Japanese funeral customs for the first time, as the similar terminology can make it difficult to determine the appropriate timing for attendance.

In Kawagoe City, funerals generally follow a sequence of wake, funeral service, memorial service, and cremation. However, the content, order, and scope of attendees vary depending on the family's wishes, religion/sect, and venue availability. The important thing is not to make decisions without knowing the details, but to confirm with the bereaved family or the person who sent the invitation.

First, let's understand the meaning of four words.

A "wake" refers to a time when family members and close friends gather to remember the deceased. Currently, they are often held in the evening or at night at a funeral hall, providing an opportunity for those who find it difficult to attend during the day due to work or other commitments to pay their respects. Whether or not rituals such as chanting of sutras are performed, and when they are performed, varies depending on the religion and the family's customs.

The term "funeral" often refers to a religious and ceremonial service to bid farewell to the deceased. While Buddhist funerals may center around chanting by monks, not all funerals follow the same format. There are also funerals that do not adhere to a specific religion, and others that are conducted according to the family's wishes. It is important not to assume the beliefs or customs of the deceased or their family based solely on their nationality or region of origin.

A "funeral service" is sometimes described as a place where attendees say goodbye to the deceased. In reality, the funeral and memorial service are often combined into a single event, and it's not uncommon for them to be referred to as "funeral and memorial service." Therefore, be sure to check the start time, venue, and attendance instructions as stated in the invitation.

"Cremation" refers to the cremation of the deceased after the funeral service. Not all attendees will necessarily accompany the deceased to the crematorium. In some cases, only family members and relatives may accompany the deceased, so if there is no invitation, it is best to confirm in a way that does not burden the bereaved family.

If I were to attend, what time would be best to choose?

The appropriate opportunity to attend will vary depending on your relationship with the deceased and the content of the invitation. As a general guideline, consider the following to help organize your thoughts:

• wake:This time slot is sometimes suggested as a convenient time for colleagues, friends, and neighbors to pay their respects. It's an option for those who wish to attend to briefly offer condolences to the bereaved family and to remember the deceased.
• Funeral and memorial service:Relatives, close friends, and those who had a deep connection with the deceased may attend. If you receive an invitation, prepare to arrive a little before the start time.
• Cremation:I will consider participating if I receive an invitation to join. If there is no invitation, I will not assume that I can participate and will prioritize confirming.

In a family funeral, a quiet farewell ceremony is sometimes chosen, primarily attended by close relatives. In this case, it's not necessarily true that "anyone can attend the wake." You don't have to give up on attending just because it's a family funeral, but first, read the invitation carefully to see if there are any statements declining attendance. If you're unsure, you can ask someone close to the bereaved family for their opinion in a brief message.

How to communicate when confirming

Even if you're not confident in your Japanese, you don't need to give a long explanation. It's helpful to use phrases that are easy for the other person to respond to, such as, "I received your notification. May I attend the wake or funeral/memorial service?" or "If it's a private family event, please let me know without any hesitation."

Sometimes you may not receive a reply immediately. The bereaved family is busy with preparations and dealing with the situation. It is considerate to wait patiently for a response without rushing them. If they indicate that they do not wish you to attend, respect their wishes and consider how to offer your condolences at a later date.

Preparation to reduce anxiety on the day

If the instructions say "reception," head to the reception desk first upon arriving at the venue. Just tell them your name and follow their directions. You may encounter unfamiliar procedures such as offering incense, but feel free to quietly observe what the person in front of you is doing or wait for instructions from the staff. More important than perfectly memorizing the formalities is showing respect for the deceased and their family.

Regarding attire, please follow any specific instructions provided in the invitation. If no specific attire is given, it's safest to choose clean, subdued colors. However, sometimes sudden news of a death can leave you unprepared. Please don't let anxiety about your attire cause you to miss the opportunity to express your condolences.

Regarding condolence money, there is no single rule about whether to give it, whether to accept it, the amount, or the method. Respect the family's wishes and what is written in the invitation. If it is stated that condolence money is declined, you should be considerate and not force it upon them. If you are unsure about the wording or customs, it is perfectly acceptable to calmly confirm at the reception.

Even if you are heading to a venue outside of Kawagoe City, we will prioritize the directions provided.

Depending on the deceased's and family's addresses, and the availability of the funeral venue, the ceremony may be held in a different area even if the deceased lived in Kawagoe City. For example, the venue may be in Ageo City or Saitama City. Rather than trying to guess the flow of the ceremony from the name of the area, it is more reliable to check the venue name, date and time, meeting time, and range of attendees listed on the invitation.

In Saitama City, the funeral facility and the cremation site may be separate. Kawagoe City also has the Kawagoe City Crematorium, which has cremation facilities, and the Yasuragi no Sato Citizen's Cemetery, which has ceremony halls, but the actual facility used will vary depending on the individual funeral. Please carefully check the information provided on the day regarding transportation and accompanying to the crematorium.

Things we would like you to tell us in advance

If you are a family member preparing for a funeral and are concerned about attendance from relatives living overseas or those unfamiliar with Japanese, it's reassuring to decide early on who you want to inform, when, and what you want to inform them about. This will allow you to prepare clear communication about whether they will only attend the wake, whether they will also attend the funeral and memorial service, or whether you will ask them to accompany you to the cremation.

When you consult with us about funeral arrangements, we will ask about your family's wishes and how you would like to inform attendees. Depending on the content, prior confirmation may be necessary regarding multilingual consultations, individual interpretation, religious rites, and how to contact relatives overseas. We will work with you to clarify what is possible and what needs to be confirmed, helping you to give your loved one a farewell that is fitting for them.

There isn't one single right answer when it comes to attending the wake, funeral/memorial service, or cremation. Respecting the guidance and the wishes of the bereaved family, and politely asking questions about anything you don't understand, is the first step to remembering the deceased with peace of mind.